Kingdom Hearts: The Great Kairi Escape
by Chitose Fama
Summary: An outrageous Kingdom Hearts parody featuring all your favorite characters! Presented to you by two pretty much unknown authors who just like to have a good laugh. Welcome to the silly side. Rated T for high school humor.
1. Part One

** Hey, this is your friend Chitose, posting something completely new. Actually, it's pretty old, but new for you. **

**This is a parody that my good friend Aubbie G and I wrote together back in high school, just for kicks. The way it worked was I would write a little of our silly little story, then e-mail it to her, and she would write the next part, send it to me and I would write back and so on. **

**We were just having fun, and looking at this story now it still cracks me up. We thought it would be cool to share it with you! **

**Remember, this is a parody. Don't take it too seriously. **

**-Just some warnings. Expect to see:**

**- Kairi bashing (sorry to Kairi fans...sorta)**

**-A confusing plot**

**-Riku, Axel, Roxas (...and lots of others) bashing**

**-Uncalled for Silliness.**

**Now get reading! Updates whenever... **

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Part 1 (By Chitose Fama)

And so it began...

...again...

Through the rolling, rumbling, foreboding clouds streaks of bright, shining, iridescent sunlight flecked the shores of the Destiny Islands. Rain seemed inevitable and unavoidable...and inescapable. Still, heat clung to the air like a fat cat to the pant leg of his owner who never feeds him. The sun would not be setting for another 4 or 30 hours, although no one on the Destiny Islands knew how to tell time anyway. Except, that is, for one person.

That one person was the chosen of the Keyblade. And the chosen of a great destiny. And the chosen of a bunch of other things...because he is just that great. It was Sora. An inconceivably thin and lanky young man with outrageously awesome hair and unrealistically bright blue eyes. He liked to use many adjectives to describe himself.

Sora was once a hero. The wielder of the fabled keyblade and the center of many important people's attention. For awhile the bad guys were always like, "Hey it's Sora! Let's pick on him and leave him annoying clues then try to kill him when he turns out to be smart enough to figure out who we are." Sora was once a great fighter who, like his hair, could defy gravity itself and he spun though the air, blade flashing even in the darkness of a dudgeon.

But now Sora was forgotten, and bored as he tied and untied his enormous shoes again and again in the quiet of someplace very few people went to. The only person who had not seemed to have forgotten him was his old "friend" Kairi, who made it a part of her daily routine to annoy him to the brink of his very great patience.

Sora sighed as he remembered that she had yet to pester him that day. He was busily longing for adventure when another one of his friends stalked up behind him. Sora was well-aware of Riku's presence, but he did not care to talk to him.

"Kairi is really annoying." Riku said suddenly.

Sora blinked and turned unexpectedly. His hair flew over his large blue eyes as he answered. "So you've noticed too? I wish I could hate her, but I don't hate people."

'Yeah," Riku said coolly even though he was not cool in the slightest. Only Sora is cool. And Aladdin. "She was never ever, ever never, not ever, very rarely, only sometimes, never in my memory, only occasionally, not even once, never in a million years, nowhere near, and in no way...uh..."

"What?" Sora asked, looking adorable.

"...What were we talking about?" Riku asked blankly. "One day I will be better than you!" He burst out, then turned and ran off.

Sora was used to his strange friends, and simply returned to tying his shoes. Only a few crawling minutes passed before something else, but a much more exciting something else happened.

High in the sky Sora noticed several pale blue lights behind the clouds. The lights grew brighter as he watched, but as they grew a shadow of intense proportions descended over him. He realized a huge space ship was drifting down toward him, glowing in the grey sky.

The Ship landed with a shudder, and Sora watched with a calm expression as a great door slid open from the side of the space craft. The light flowing from the door was so bright Sora had to cover his eyes. A figure stepped into the frame of the door and held out a hand to him.

Sora frowned. That whole deal with the open hand was so Kingdom Hearts 1. Still, he waited for more actions from the figure.

"You are Sora. Holder of the Keyblade," said the stranger.

"You gonna write a song about it?" Sora said.

"What?" The figure stiffened in surprise.

"Nothing. Yes, I'm Sora-"

"It was not a question!" The dark figure snapped. "I was stating fact!"

Sora laughed."Okay I have a fact too! Did you know that volcanoes-?"

"I do not care!" The figure of a man stepped forward, and Sora saw him clearly. It was Anakin Skywalker. "I have come to request your services."

Sora's jaw hung low and his eye brows were furrowed in a deep frown of confusion. Finally he spoke. "How did you get here? Star Wars isn't a Disney movie..."

**End Part One**


	2. Part Two

**Part TWO! Here is Aubbie's reply to my beginning... o.O

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Part 2 (By Aubbie G.)

"Do not question the phantasmagorical Jedi master..." Anakin was cut off.

"Phantasmagorical? That's a great word! I really should have thought of that..." Sora rambled bouncing lightly around Anakin.

Anakin's knuckles grew white from the fury building up inside of him, but he had to remember to keep his cool. He did need this boy. Though he did seem to have a supernaturally long patience about him. Anakin continued in a light tone, "Well as I was saying...will you join the light?"

Sora blinked for a moment then a wide cheesy smile spread across his face while his eyebrows were still turned downward giving the impression of a sadistic smirk.

Anakin ran in fear of this incomprehensible child. His only weakness was weird facial expressions...that's why Darth Vader never bothered him in the least what with a helmet covering his face. But I digress. Anakin ran to his spaceship crying.

This deeply bothered Sora for he had never upset anyone in his life. He was always perceived as adorable, never...frightening. He was hoping that this Anakin would take him on an adventure, thus taking him away from Kairi for a good few years.

Sora trudged through the deep sand. With as large of feet as he had he could not help but trudge.

"Sora what happened to you?" an all too familiar voice called practically in hysterics.

Sora jumped in the air out of surprise, flipped three times, and then landed in the opposite direction to see Axel with huge watery eyes.

"How did you get your eyes to be that big and glistening?" Sora asked in amazement, ignoring Axel's question.

Axel smirked, "Do you like them? I will keep them that way if you do!"

"No it's ok. Actually it's a little freaky," Sora shuddered.

Axel fell into the sand in slow motion while grabbing his heart. "He...he doesn't like something about me. Me! I have everything about Sora memorized! EVERYTHING! Do you have it memorized? Well do you? No, but I know memorization is the key."

"Axel I don't need to have everything memorized!"

Axel jumped in amazement, and he was a little bewildered. "But...but how?"

Sora took out a journal that was ridiculously thick, "Jiminy Cricket writes down every single action I do in this journal here that I keep in my back pocket. So if I ever forget anything then I can just look it up in here!"

"How does that journal stay in your pocket without pantsing you? It probably weighs more than you..." Before Axel could continue his incessant pondering Roxas jumped in.

"That cricket knows everything about you? No that is not permissible! I must kill him! Nobody gets to stalk and know every action of Sora's but me!" Roxas exclaimed running to Sora at first and then running off into the distance with a maniacal laugh.

"Can't today be at least a little different from every other day?" Sora moaned.

"Are you looking for an adventure?" Cloud questioned from behind Sora in a creepy voice.

**End Part TWO!**

(like this? yeah, thought you would)


	3. Part Three

**Just a few things to let you in on...**

**There are some inside jokes in this story that are only funny to the writers, but that I refuse to take out because they make me happy. See if you can spot the inside jokes! The first person to guess correctly will recieve a fabulous prize*!**

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Part 3 (By Chitose)

"An adventure?" Sora exclaimed. "Yeah! How'd you know?"

"My name is Cloud…" The tall blonde hummed slowly in response. When the others failed to respond he shook his head and said, "It's a song. Look it up. It will melt your soul."

"But you're going on an adventure right?" asked Axel.

"Someone called me _**fog**_ once…" Cloud said with a touch of spite sharpening his words. "I almost killed them."

"Hey!" Roxas jumped in. "So what about this adventure? If Sora goes I go…just 'cuz..." He looked shyly at Sora whose face drooped in horror as he imagined what Roxas would say next. He didn't say anything else though.

"So, the adventure?" Sora redirected the drifting conversation.

"I think I should adopt a poodle," said Cloud. "They are very cloud-like."

"Why do you keep changing the subject?" Roxas asked, frowning.

"Do you not have it memorized?" suggested you-know-who.

"Cloud?"

"Cloud?"

"Cloud?"

"KAIRI!" Roxas screamed. The group jumped and looked wildly around.

"Where is she?" Sora cried.

"There!" called Axel. "In the water!"

Indeed, standing ominously in the sparkling waters of the ocean was the dreaded female-love-aspect-of-the-epic-story-but-a-character-who-is-utterly-useless-and-aggravatingly-annoying, Kairi. Her shadow was fatter then her… somehow. But not bigger than the dread that filled the boys as her freezing gaze fell on them.

"WTF?" said Cloud. "What's her damage?"

"She's going to kill us all!" Axel cried out.

"We have to get out of here!" said Roxas. "But how?"

Kairi reached out her hand and smiled. Slowly, and with the most sluggish and measured and time-consuming pace, she spoke. Sora was almost blue from holding his breath. "Sora…" she hissed. "I need you…"

Sora felt sick as her words bounced through his mind. Hypnotizing, almost. But not quite. But just enough to keep him from moving. But not enough to make him take a step. She needed more practice on being seductive. And she needed to look a little older. 10-year-olds are not very seductive, apparently.

Suddenly Axel hurtled a flaming wheel at the witch. It blurred as it spun toward her, its speed unfathomable, the heat untamable. And the direction uncontrollable. It missed her entirely and flew off to hit a small shed and burn it to the ground.

"That's what you get!" shouted Roxas after a short pause in which Axel cursed. "We burned down a shed! How do you like us now?"

"I like you." said Axel.

Roxas hesitated and stared and the red-haired nobody. "Wamarfiggin" he said.

"Oh…snap." said Sora. Then he did a back flip and landed on his hands.

"We can go now." said Cloud. The others pulled their eyes away from the evil character in the water to look behind them. Cloud was walking toward a magic school bus suddenly parked on the beach.

The moment the group looked away Kairi moved. She ran foreword, arms outstretched as she reached for the expecting Sora. He twirled causing his untied shoe to fly off his foot and smack Kairi square in the face. Except she was still nearly 12 feet away because she runs so slow and girl-like. It still hit her though.

"Fly, you fools!" Sora screamed. The others were already on the bus, and they didn't hear him. Sora felt like he wasted a good line, but he ran for the bus while Kairi dragged herself after him.

Sora stumbled up the stairs and looked back. Kairi was moving like a snail.

"Drive, Sora!" Axel yelled.

"I can't" Sora said. "I only have a learner's permit and-"

"That joke is so old it might as well be made of lies." said Cloud. "Fine, I'll drive." He walked slowly forward and took a seat behind the wheel. "Where to?"

**End Part Three**

***the fabulous prize is a jar of air that Cloud breathed in. Not legal in all states. While supplies last.**


	4. Part Four

**Okay, this is where we start getting into the funny stuff. Everything else was just a warm up. Remember...it's all in fun. SO ENJOY IT! :)**

**A few things you need to know:**

**1. The dude their talking about on the bus who spends too much time tanning is that guy who fights Sora with the soccer ball on the Destiny Islands. I don't remember his name.**

**2. The boy in the martial arts uniform with the green belt is our friend Derrick (does he spell his name with a "c"?) who we used to train with. He was good at everything and always put us to shame. We also decided that all soccer players are heartless, becuase they're so loud (inside joke, sorry).**

**3. We don't like Aries either.**

**WARNING: Beware crude humor and blatent suggestion of alcohol use **

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Part 4 (By Aubie G. {with only ONE b})

While the boys were scrambling to think of a place where Kairi could not get them, or ever hope to for a solid two years at least, something hit the hood of the bus.

"Oh please not her again! ANYTHING BUT HER!" Roxas squealed in the feateal position.

"Wow I didn't know you were such a pussy Roxas," Riku commented sipping on what looked like a girly flavored alcoholic drink.

Sora blinked, "When did you get in here, and is that..._alcohol?_"

"You left the back door wide open, and I was NOT going to stay with that crazy psycho. And I got this drink at my job," Riku explained still sipping away at the mystery beverage.

"Organization 13 had drinks like that?" Cloud asked now intrigued.

"Yeah...Organization 13..." Riku shifted uncomfortably in his seat.

"DID YOU FORGET ABOUT THE FRONT OF THE BUS?" Roxas screamed still too much of a pussy to look up and see what was on the hood.

"I wonder what happened to that poor man's skin?" Sora asked aloud. **(1)**

"Obviously spending wayyy to much tanning on Destiny Islands. But I love his red shoes!" Roxas added flicking his and to and fro.

"Why is he kicking that ball back and forth on our hood? I KNOW! HE'S A HEARTLESS! What other creature has dark skin? That ball must be his weapon!" Axel exclaimed.

"Geeze Axel enough exclamation points?" Riku breathed.

"What do you mean!" Axel yelled.

"THAT WAS A QUESTION!" Riku yelled, falling out from the seat, unable to stand straight though the bus was perfectly still. Which brings up the question of why Kairi had not reached it yet. She's lame, that's why. And really a fatty underneath her clothes...but more details about her horrible secret will be revealed later in the story.

Before the boys could get even more sidetracked, a boy of about 18 fell from the sky wearing a martial arts uniform and a green belt. **(2)** He and the "heartless" went to battle off into the distance.

"Wow that took up a ton of time for nothing...almost like someone was stalling for something...hmmm..." Cloud thought aloud but he too came to a realization of his own, "SORA HOW DARE YOU!"

Sora's bluest of blue eyes widened and his lip jutted out. "What?" he asked timidly.

"You copied my unimaginably cool style! The light, intense eyes that suck you into the pools of blue...ness. The spiked hair. The only thing you did to make it your own was dye your hair brown. You even have an annoying girl that wears pink following you around everywhere...now we must fight," Cloud growled.

"Hey you don't have any girl following you," Roxas moaned in a really whiny voice.

"I don't?" Cloud said with thick sarcasm in his voice as he pointed straight out to Aries now running alongside Kairi. Both of whom still going unimaginably slow.

"She doesn't seem so bad..." Axel said.

"No you don't even understand she is the worst! I 'accidently' let Sepheroith kill her, and she came back..." Cloud twitched a little but then returned to his former cool self, "I know exactly where those two will never think to find us."

"Oh man it's gonna be some place super hard core if Cloud thought of it," Roxas moaned.

"Probably the darkest of the dark," Axel added now with the lights totally darkened and a flash light only to his face.

"Or...someplace really naughty...and sexy..." Riku yelled now laying on the floor with his nose bright red and eyes glazed.

"No. We must go to the...muffin convention," Cloud mumbled.

"What?" The rest of the boys screamed in unison, except Riku.

"Like Oh M goodness," Riku added a few moment later.

"They won't ever think to find us there," Cloud grumbled.

"Ok then! Let's go, they are only a few feet away," Sora added nicely.

**End Part Four**

**SOMEBODY PUT A STOP TO THIS CRAZINESS! GET IT OUT OF MY HEAD!**


	5. Part Five

Part 5

The magic school bus lifted into the sky, spinning in a twirl of gaudy sparkles and humming as it prepared for flight. The Mercedes engine growled as it gathered power for swift movement though the air. Suddenly a pale hand grabbed the bumper and yanked down on the airborne bus.

Sora glanced below to see Kairi sitting on the tiny shoulders of Aries with her weak little hands clutching the back of the bus and franticly trying to pull it back onto the beach.

"SORA!" Kairi called trying to imitate the watery-eyes Axel so seamlessly rendered upon Sora earlier. Her bright blue organs-of –seeing-with were sufficiently wet and dazzling, but the small glint of evil was impossible to hide. Sora could see it from his seat at the front of the bus; it was that obvious.

"Sora! Please, don't leave me alone!" Kairi called again, sounding very convincing. "I need you! I can't live without your adorableness in my life! Please! Come back! I'll do anything! Anything! Don't leave me! I'll be a good girl I swear! I need you Sora, and I know you need me! Remember why you looked for me for so long! Because you really care deep deep deep deep deep deep down …..somewhere! I care too, really! Sora Please! Sora! SORA! I LOVE YOOOUUUU!"

"What's taking so long?" Snapped Sora. "Get us the frick out of here!"

"What?" Called Cloud. The hum of the magic Mercedes engine was growing louder. "What did he say?"

"I said 'get us the frick out of here!" Repeated Sora urgently.

"He said what?" Cloud asked again.

"He said get us the frick out of here!" Shouted Roxas

"Sora said fuc-" Cloud was cut off as Sora jumped foreword and stomped his bare foot on the gas. The bus launched forward into the open sky. Light as a feather it flew into the air and disappeared behind the clouds. Heh. Cloud. Driving in clouds. Funny.

Below the figures of Kairi and Aries quickly shrank as they screeched and howled in anger and frustration. And loss. And some other things. They both were likely P.M.S.-ing in a similar way to Colleen's mom. According to Colleen at lunch today, of course. Strange child.

Planets and stars flashed past the windows of the bus, all missing the yellow painted sides only because of Cloud's brilliance at driving magic school buses. The other boys held tightly to their seats, trying to breathe steadily as they watched enormous hunks of flaming space rocks whip by their fragile flying shelter. Axel was good at breathing, as he had been practicing.

Everyone was on the edge of their seats except for Riku, who had passed out into a drunken sleep in the aisle. His solidly dozing body floated into the air as gravity slipped away causing those still sober to grasp the bus seats even tighter.

"I'm gonna push the gimmie-gravity button, now." Said Cloud.

"Please!" Whined Roxas, notorious for whining.

"Aww, *censored curse word*" Hissed Cloud.

"What is it?" Asked Axel.

"The pencil I brought to push the button with is too big. It won't fit into the opening to press the tiny freakin' switch."

"Why is it so small?" Sora grunted as Riku's body floated over and hit his head.

"Because they're always small! On cell phones, mp3 players, tamagochi toys…"

"Those are reset buttons, not gimmie-gravity buttons." Said Roxas.

"Have you ever pressed one?" Asked Cloud.

Well, no." Admitted Roxas. He had always been afraid it would erase something important.

"So how would you know?" Said Cloud. "Anyway, I need something smaller. Anyone got a paper clip?"

"I've got a flash light." Said Sora.

"What the heck for? When do you need a flash light?" Mocked Roxas. "It's always day time. Everywhere you go!"

"You never know." Said Sora sweetly.

"I can't use a flashlight." Cloud grumbled.

"I know!" Exclaimed Axel. "You can use your hair! It's pointy enough!"

"Good idea!" Cloud also exclaimed. He lowered his head and guided one of his spiky hair tips into the opening. There was a click, a whir, then gravity suddenly came back. All the boys collapsed onto the seats, sighing with relief. Riku fell rudely onto Roxas's head crushing out a squeak from the shortest member of the group.

"Lazy drunk." He said rolling the boy off his back. "It's no wonder your name means earth, you lump." Riku snorted in his sleep, and Roxas winced.

For another good five minutes the four boys chatted, with each other and once or twice with their imaginary friends. Sora talked with Cloud, and Roxas and Axel attempted conversation between Riku's hic-ups and snores. Every once in a while both groups would pause their tête-à-tête (look it up.) at the same time, in which silence would linger momentarily. In that moment one of them (usually Roxas or Axel) would say "It got quiet." Then conversation would continue again until the next pause.

Finally the destination came into view, emerging from the pitch dark of space. It was a pinkish planet, about the size of Earth's fatter cousin Neptune. Cloud seemed to know just where to land and he guided the bus down through the atmosphere.

The tiny buildings raced below as the magic bus drifted over them. Several times Sora thought he saw where Cloud would land, but he was consistently wrong. Sora never would have expected Cloud to guide the bus over to a large mushroom about as big as a red wood stump and park there. Still the adorable company got out, and drew straws for who would have to carry Riku around first. Roxas lost.

Once ready the small group headed into the bustling town to enjoy the Muffin Convention, but they went wearily. Muffin Conventions are epic things, not to be taken lightly as some kind of "merry celebration." As our hero Sora was about to find out.

**End Part FIVE!**

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**"and we go low low low...and lower...*ahem*...I worte that sexiness."-Roxas**


	6. Part Six

**Part 6 (by Aubie)**

"Be ready for anything," Cloud warned.

"What could be so bad?" Roxas asked, short of breath from carrying Riku, "I swear he intentionally gets heavier when he sleeps!"

"Probably!" Axel answered in a chipper tone.

"What can happen," Cloud injected in a most grave tone, "well there are too many things to say. Let me remind you we are on another planet...so be ready."

The group trotted through the forest for a few more steps when a city appeared before them. Like literally just that moment showed up right before them.

"Holy shit where did that come from?" Axel exclaimed.

Cloud just continued walking as if nothing out of the ordinary had happened and called, "hurry up! There is a long enough line for the place as is."

"He seems pretty eager to go to this place..."Roxas mumbled in an almost inaudible voice.

Cloud spun around and unsheathed his sword in the middle of the alien city. He pointed it right to Roxas having the tip almost touch his throat though he had to be a good 6 feet away. Cloud's sword is just that big. and manly. And cool. And the opposite of Roxas in almost every way.

"What did you say?" Cloud growled.

"Just that I think we should hurry up!" Roxas stammered.

Sora was ahead of the group now as he hated to follow people since in almost everything he does he seemed to lead everything and know exactly where to go. He stopped in his tracks and looked around a bit puzzled.

"What's wrong?" Axel asked.

"Well," Sora started still analyzing the new environment, "if this is a city shouldn't there be people in it?"

"Holy fricking, I can't even believe, how could this, oh m goodness!" Cloud yelled.

"What, is Seporoth here?" Axel asked.

"Worse," Cloud breathed with his bright turquoise eyes wide with fear.

"Heartless?" Roxas added.

"Even worse."

"Somebody FORGOT something?" Axel asked half appalled.

"Not even close."

"Kai..." Sora started.

Before he could finished Axel put both of his hands over his mouth, "don't say _her _name. It's like a radar she will know..."

"Dot, dot, dot," Roxas said aloud.

"Ummm why did you say that?" Sora asked nicely.

"Did it offend you?" Roxas asked, terrified.

"No," Sora said with a smile.

"Ohh...I know what it did..." Roxas hinted raising his eyebrows up and down, being the huge caterpillars they were, nobody...epically a nobody...could miss them.

When Roxas now stood too close for comfort Sora said, happily, though wearyness crept into his voice, " I know you must be getting tired of carrying Riku! I will do it!"

There Sora raced around Roxas, and for a moment time stopped because all spectators were gazing at Sora in wonder if he would simply break in half when he attempted to carry the other boy or simply be crushed like a pancake due to his unbelievably skinniness. When time returned Sora simply touched Riku and he awakened, jumping from Roxas' back flying into the air as Roxas made a face plant into the ground. Riku landed and gave off a snide smile.

"AHEM! I was in total shock about something very important here!" Cloud injected and continued to mumble, "swear that girl writing had ADD. Good song though..."

"So what was so important?" Axel suggested.

"Oh yes it was..."

**End Part SIX!**

**gO VoTe!**


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